Is this man causing me symptoms of PTSD? Is this man a terrorist? I had to wonder about this. This man is a bully who lives in an alternate reality and doesn’t think he has to take responsibility for any of his actions. This man is causing terror in people I know. Is this an environment that feels familiar to me? In many ways it does.
I didn’t like my reality too much so I created my own version. And I used various ways to keep the facts and real world out. One way was to overeat and stuff my feelings down. Feelings are very inconvenient in an alternate reality. So I learned not to feel.
I learned not to ask for help. I could do everything I needed on my own, thank you very much. If I couldn’t do it, I must not need it. I became very self-sufficient – in my own mind. Remember, I lived in my own world and couldn’t see the truth. I NEEDED help, but I neither knew how to ask for it nor how to receive it.
But I grew up. I learned to take responsibility for my actions. I learned that my behavior had consequences and affected people who loved me. I stopped doing those actions and i learned how to ask for help.
This man has not grown up. His actions bring up feelings in me I do not like and I am tempted to react in a negative ways. I do not want to give this man the power to take over my actions and thoughts and feelings in any way. No, that gives him way more credit than he deserves. I know how to be a decent person. I know how to reach out to others in love, kindness, tolerance and acceptance.
In fact, as I write this, I believe the best way to fight this man is to be even more loving, kind, tolerant and accepting. I will begin with myself. I will smile in the mirror when I see my reflection. I am strong and with God’s help I will survive this too. I will extend this to my partner and to everyone I meet. It doesn’t cost anything to give someone a smile, and I have plenty more.
So to this man I say thank you. Thank you for helping me see that I am a good person. And I want to be a better person. I see many other good people in my world too. I will pray for this man.
And… I will turn off the TV.