I just realized I have been having a passive-aggressive hissy fit on God. Unfortunately this meant I was taking it out on my husband and didn’t realize it. Sorry Love. Let me tell you how I came to this realization; this is how the Steps and Tools of OA are amazing in how they work!
Every day I write on the question in the For Today Workbook. Lately my writings have reflected an irritability with others and lack of follow-through. Yesterday’s question asked point blank: “What attributes do I condemn in others that reflect my own shortcomings?” In my answer I was able to see that some of by shortcomings are motivated by my past. So basically I started doing some work on Steps 6 & 7*, two of my favorite Steps. There is a saying I love, “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” Meaning, if I am blowing something way out of proportion, I need to look deeper. There is probably something going on from my past. Another question I ask myself is, “Where have I felt this before?”
I have already shared that I have done a lot of work on my mental health issues, they do, however, play a large part in my Character Traits and I cannot ignore that they are a part of me. “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” (Alcoholic Anonymous p83) I have had to deal with some abandonment issues what with my parents divorce and all. I am pretty sure that this is where the “If you say you are going to do something, then for gosh darn’s sake be sure you do it!” comes from. Don’t leave me stranded somewhere! I wouldn’t do too well in the Temple. (Bible Reference)(Sorry, that’s just something from my High School Bible class with Joe. We had to get 100 Bible references from literature or TV during the semester. I don’t know anyone who has taken it who doesn’t still cry out Bible Reference when we see one!) I digress.
Where was I? Squirrel! Oh yeah, feeling abandoned as a child equals demanding commitment from myself and others as an adult. Okay, so I am in a Program of Recovery and I am not supposed to “demand” anything and I am supposed to be understanding, accepting, forgiving, loving, tolerant, kind, blah, blah, blah. How? I ask God to transform it. Okay God. Aaaanytime you’re ready. Oh, HUMBLY ask God to remove it. Missed that part, sorry. I just read a CS Lewis quote: “True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.” So, I want to have this defect transformed so that I can be of service to God! Oh! So why am I still holding on to it?
Because I am feeling abandoned by God!
All those images I see of my father walking away I see of God. But I have a close relationship with my father today! And I have a close relationship with God, closer than I have ever had. Feelings are not fact. I know God has not abandoned me. I know God has not “given” me cancer to test me. I am simply having a hissy-fit.
When I was a kid, I would often use the phrase “It’s the least he could do.” in reference to my father. I found myself using this phrase lately with my husband. This clued me in to the “When have I felt this before?” question and made me realize maybe I wasn’t so much reacting to the here and now, but to something else. Am I wanting to use this phrase with God? What do I want from Him? I talk about the “pound of flesh” he has exacted from me. I have given him 215 pounds and a whole host of organs! What more does he want?
I know this answer won’t come right now. But I am grateful to know that I am not angry at my husband and I have clarity around that from using the Steps and Tools of the Program. And I am grateful that no matter what, I can be angry at God and still turn my life and my will over to Him.
Now I need to work on putting my clothes away.
- WERE ENTIRELY READY TO HAVE GOD REMOVE ALL THESE DEFECTS OF CHARACTER.
7. HUMBLY ASKED HIM TO REMOVE OUR SHORTCOMINGS.