What the Radiation Treatments are Like

I have been through 6 rounds of radiation and I thought I would let you all know how it’s going.

The fear of the unknown has subsided with the routine of each treatment. I chose to have my treatment around 4:00 PM each weekday. Usually I would try to get it over with first thing in the morning, but I was afraid I would then come home and “rest.” I would miss my morning meetings and activities. Then I would have lunch and end up on the couch watching TV. If I went later in the day, however, I could go to all my morning activities, when my spouse went back to work (remember his shoulder surgery?) he could still drive me to treatment if I needed him to, and we might even be able to go to some different OA meetings in the evenings after treatments were over. So there might be more traffic, I think it will be worth it.

The first day they asked me to step on the scale. Great! Something every compulsive overeater loves to do. And I’ll be getting weighed every Tuesday. I had my snow boots on – my heavy snow boots. The tech said, “Oh, that doesn’t matter.” Well, certainly not to him. The good news is it was in kilograms, so I feel a lot lighter. But I digress. They allowed my husband to come in and see the machinery and how I would be set up. I think it helped him a lot to see where and what would be happening. The first thing we noticed was how clean the room was. And then the table, I still think of myself as the 400 pound person I used to be and wonder if the table will hold me. The next thing we noticed was the machine that would move around me and beam x-rays at me for the next 6 weeks.

The tech held up a sheet so I could pull my pants down to mid-thigh. I then lay on my back on the sheet covered table and my feet were strapped into a box to keep my pelvis level. A laser comes out of the wall that they line up to marks on my hips. Another one comes out of the ceiling that lines up on my front. I feel like a bed being made when they stand on each side of me, “I have this much, how ‘bout you?” as they line me up. I need to be reminded to relax and not help as they move me around. The techs leave the area, the machine whirs, moves, whirs again, moves, whirs again, and it’s finished. All in all, the whole thing takes about 10 minutes. Once a week it takes longer as they shoot images as well.

The first day I was still apprehensive so I asked to speak with the doctor again, but only if he was available. It turned out he was. I was able to be honest with him and tell him that I didn’t know what to tell my body about how diffuse radiation worked; I couldn’t calm myself down – targeted radiation I understood, but we aren’t targeting anything. He said this is the usual protocol for uterine cancer, although not for ovarian, and since I also had the tumor on my utero-sacral ligament they want to take extra precaution. Having the 3 areas affected simultaneously makes my case “unique”. [Uh-oh, watch out for ‘terminal uniqueness’.] He also showed me some images of the area being x-rayed. And this helped me see what is being shielded and what is being “targeted”.  I will see the doctor weekly on Fridays.

I also saw a nurse that first day. What I remember about that visit was, “Radiation can increase your metabolism. [Hot damn! Maybe I’ll lose weight] We don’t want you to lose weight [What?] so feel free to eat as much of whatever you want.” [Might not be her exact words, but it is what I heard and might as well be.] I told her to please not say anything like that to me as I have Binge Eating Disorder and have recently lost over 200 pounds. I think she also talked about other side effects, but I’m still thinking about the ice cream she said I could have. Diarrhea, blah blah, cystitis, blah blah, skin peeling, blah, blah, let us know. Ice cream.

They asked what kind of music I would like to listen to during the treatment. And, as mentioned in a previous writing, I asked for something that would help me create a “sacred space.” So they put on spa music. Apparently this covers a wide range of ideas. The other day, a snowy one by the way, the music was not conducive to meditation. The techs were with me on this and asked if I wanted something else. I was being sarcastic and said, “Yeah, how about something Caribbean?” Next thing I know we’re listening to steel drums and I’m on the beach dancing away. I swear I started laughing right there on the table. The problem with pelvic radiation and Caribbean music is being strapped to the table and having to keep your pelvis immobile. So I let my fingers do the dancing. A far cry from a mere week ago!

I have had a few side-effects. Nausea mostly, which the doctor says is not from the radiation since the stomach is not in the line of fire. Except I have had 6 treatments and thrown up 4 days. I’m not a mathematician, but that does seem statistically significant. The posterior organ in the line of fire is definitely affected, I will however, spare you the details. Fatigue does get worse as the week wears on. So I do what I can. I have learned to ask my Higher Power to help me with one or two tasks at a time rather than the whole day. So far it seems to help.

Today I had my annual eye exam. I must admit, I was afraid to hear what she might have to say. [I think maybe I don’t fully trust my body – I don’t think my body fully trusts me yet either, but we’re talking.] The pre-cursor to dry macular degeneration is still there, but it is stable and my prescription is the same as last year. It was a good visit.

I still have a lot of work to do. I realized just how much fear there is stored inside me. I think the worst part of the word “cancer” is that once you hear you have it, it gets into your psyche and begins to spread like, well, a cancer. My husband and I were driving home from a meeting in the snow and passed an accident, and then, as we were about to turn onto a street I thought we were going to be in one! I was so frightened. My first thought was I must need to pray more.   But an OA friend said, “Maybe you need to surrender.” Hmmm, surrender as prayer? I will need to write more on this.