“I’m doing my part! When are you going to do yours?” This has become my lamentation to God lately. This assumes a couple of things: 1) I know how the relationship with God works; and 2), it is a give and take relationship.
Am I really doing my part? How do I know? Who determined what my part was? And I like this question better: Who determined what His part was? The answer is the same – I did. The great and powerful, I. Me. And I am judging how well He is doing too! Boy, do I have a set!
The truth is, I am tired and angry because I am human. My expectation was if only I can stay abstinent through “all this” then I will be just fine. (Do we all know what F.I.N.E. stands for? Freaking out. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.) If I can stay abstinent through all this then I will be able to show others that it is possible to live life on life’s terms without self-medicating. I could be a role-model. Maybe I could help someone else through a hard time. And here I am, still abstinent, barely. But so angry. So tired and beaten down by this treatment and wanting nothing more than myself back. No, that’s not true. I want the relationship I had with my Higher Power back. I want that trusting, fun-loving I would do anything for you relationship we had.
It bothers me that life can get in the way of that relationship so easily. It bothers me that “just putting the food down” and losing weight isn’t enough to keep that relationship. Apparently God isn’t “a pound of flesh” kind of guy.
So, what does he want from me before I get what I want from Him? Let’s look at that. I believe I already received the Grace from God. I think that happened without my even asking. I believe, I truly, deeply believe I am a spiritual miraculous gift and I receive grace every moment. Now, what can I do in return? I can say Thank You. In my actions. In my words. In my thoughts. God did not give me cancer but he can help me through the treatment. He did not make me a compulsive overeater, but he can show me how to live in recovery, just for today. All I need do is remember. And trust. If I’m not careful I just may learn something.
Wren's Home 
Wren, you are an inspiration! (Did I just hear a swear word directed at me??) Truly, you are such a courageous and delightful woman and I thank you for your vulnerability once again. Though you may not feel like being anybody’s teacher today (“got enough on my plate already, thank you very much!”), I am your student of the day and I am grateful. Wishing you peace, sweet Wren.
Good Wren, your reflections today are right on target with the ancient scriptural lamentation tradition! Just remember – about your abstinent question – that fasting accompanies the lamenting – “you can’t have one without the other” (the sackcloth, the third component – even Your Higher Power cares little about, I have on good authority [smile].) Mind if I borrow today’s Wren Reflections for my homily next month? Or would you like to come & deliver it? Your final paragraph on grace & gratitude is a beautiful summary about the Eucharist! Love, D
D, you know me and understand me! Thank you for being with me on my journey. ~Wren
Dearest Wren,
You have received God’s grace and His love is in you. I see his love shining whenever I see your face. I can hardly wait to see it again. I love you.
Susan, thank you. I needed that. ~Wren
Wren,
As usual, you are sending a powerful message today. Bless you and those of us who needed to hear it.
Love and prayers,G
Thank you G, it is a process worth taking, isn’t it?