“This is GREAT boring!”

“This is boring.” That’s what my oncologist said as he read me the report from the CT scan of my abdomen and pelvis. Then he looked up at me and smiled. “That’s what we want.”   I asked if I could see the actual scan as I am having a hard time with my visual meditation of having God hold my body, or seeing my body healthy. He said, “Visualize this as a pelvic space with only normal organs with nothing there that shouldn’t be.”  Yeah, I can do that.

Oh, that’s right, you still think I was getting a PET scan. That was one reason I haven’t written in here, I was feeling a little more than miffed. I left Boston feeling very cared for and as if my treatment had a direction. And chemo was over, yayy! Then I found out my insurance did not approve the PET scan and wham! down I went into a spiral of depression and anger. Who did they think they were to dictate my care? And if I didn’t get my port out right away I would be responsible for more money out of pocket! It was all an insurance conspiracy to keep me in a place of fear!

I did talk to my surgeon who told me that gynecological cancers do not respond to PET scans because they progress slower than other cancers and do not take up the glucose in the same way and so the scans are not accurate. That explanation was enough to satisfy my anger and I could stop fighting. That’s all I need, an explanation. I am not a “because I said so” kind of person. Now if only God could explain to my why all this is happening…

I also found out that my white blood cell count is still too low for chemo, so I would still be waiting for my last round if my doctor in Boston hadn’t said 5 was enough. I had thought my chemo doctor was checking my B-12 and Vit D levels since I had told them my levels tended to be low since I had the gastric bypass and couldn’t absorb nutrients like “normal” people.  I remember them saying, “don’t worry, we’ll take care of you” and I assumed that meant they were checking my levels. Then I found out they weren’t. So I went to my PCP and had them checked and found out my Vit D is indeed low (not dangerously.) But Vit D is needed for WBC manufacturing. Communication, folks, it’s all about communication. Trust me, I am not about to go sunbathe in this frigid weather, but I will increase my supplements.

I see my radiologist next week. I will get my port out soon. And this is good, because I keep hitting it when I play the chimes or handbells in church. (Things they don’t warn you about before they put one in.)

Tomorrow I get to speak to an OA audience on remaining abstinent no matter what: “Don’t pick up even if your hair falls out.” I am feeling a little unworthy. Not because I picked up the food, I didn’t, but because I began to doubt God and myself. I guess I still want to believe that magical things happen when I lose weight. Wait, the truth is, magical things DO happen. I want to believe only good things happen. Another truth is, I can be abstinent and have a bad day. But more often than not, when I am abstinent, I will get through them faster.

“Don’t Pick Up Even if Your Hair Falls Out”

“Yes, And…”

I have wanted to write for a long time, and I have been so busy. Thank you God. Notice I said “and” and not “but.” I used to use “but” all the time and I am trying not to do that anymore. I have come to learn that life is not either-or; it is rather, “Yes, and?”

That first blew me away when I realized I could have more than one emotion at the same time. Are you kidding me? I was having a hard enough time handling the one, thank you very much, now you are telling me I can have more? No wonder I ate! My goal was to get me down to none! And then, get this, I could have conflicting emotions. I could be angry with you and still love you? Uh un. Nope. If there was anger, it was over! We all knew that one. I spent my life making sure no one would EVER be angry with me. I went out of my way to make sure I was loved. I mean, I didn’t exactly love myself, but that was okay, right? That’s what the food was for. I could just stuff that little feeling down. As long as I wasn’t angry with anyone else, life was good.

Apparently denial only gets you so far. Ha ha, I just wrote “Denial only gets you so fat.” Ain’t that the truth!

What I have learned through the 12 Steps is to not live in denial – most of the time. I still wake up there some days. Especially about my cancer treatments. I may be bald, but I don’t have cancer. I’m not like “them” – the other people in the room getting chemo. I know I am fortunate that my cancer was surgically removed. I am doing everything I can to make sure it doesn’t come back. And sometimes I find myself angry at God for not sitting down next to me and answering all my questions. Not to make it go away, but to help me understand. I am a scientist. I want to know the whys and wherefores. Was it my fat? Was it the chemicals I used as a scientist? Was it a fluke? Will it come back? None of these questions can be answered, but they are in my head racing around.

So I turn again to the 12 Steps to help me. Step 3 says to turn my life over to God as I understand him. But I am angry at him. So I go back to the “Yes, and?”  Oh, I am angry at God AND I can still turn my life and my will over to Him?  I don’t have to leave because I’m angry. He’s not going to leave because I’m angry.

This isn’t what I thought I was going to write about today, funny where the pen takes you.

Pity Pot to Gratitude

Good morning Wrenwatchers,

Okay, I have to admit, I have been on the pity pot these last few days and so it has been difficult to write anything.

Why would you be feeling sorry for yourself? The cancer is gone isn’t it?

Yeah, well, see? That’s why I didn’t want to say anything. If I am “supposed” to be doing a happy dance and I am not… well, I didn’t want to be told I was feeling the wrong thing or worse, to be told what to feel. Because honestly I am still really just plain confused. I am feeling angry, frustrated, cheated, abandoned, denied, tested, lied to, teased, poked, grateful, critical, worried, fortunate, loved, surrounded (in a good way), insecure, vulnerable, impatient, misunderstood, unheard, uncomfortable, hurt, and hopeful. And to think, I once thought I never felt. Now I know it is okay to feel all these things at the same time. Sometimes it feels like they are spinning around me, poking at me, with that sing-song nah-nah-na-nah-nah taunting me.

I once thought I had to stuff these feelings down with food. Or I had to hurt myself in some other way to produce a feeling.

I know that being angry is okay. STAYING angry is not. I know that by writing it out I will come to understand where the anger is directed. Right now it has many targets, and by writing I was able to see a pattern. In my head all this anger is pointed outward and justified. On paper I see that I am really just feeling vulnerable and want to be taken care of. So I need to open my mouth and ask for what I need. Do I need a hug? A phone call? A visit from a friend or friends? An answer from the doctor? I don’t have to be strong. I am still recovering from major surgery, even if I no longer have cancer. But I cannot expect people to read my mind. In our OA Concepts of Service it says we all have a voice; it’s time I use mine.

Because I am in OA I know how to get off the Pity Pot. Create a Gratitude List and work with others. I don’t know about you, but my gratitude list was usually followed by the Yabut list. Oh, you know, The sun is shining – Yabut that means I need to water the garden. So I have learned to take that pouty voice and play with it – watch and have fun with me.

I am grateful I have a garden to provide some vegetables for our table – Yabut the squash didn’t grow and it’s not like we’re really saving any money, and it hurts to work out there and…

I am grateful my partner has a job he loves and brings home a paycheck – Yabut  his coworkers are jerks and don’t understand what he is going through

I am grateful I am married to such an understanding and spiritual man – Yabut sometimes I wish he would take better care of himself {so he could take better care of me}

I am grateful I have lost over 200 pounds – Yabut, could that have CAUSED the cancer?

I am grateful the cancer may already be removed from my body – Yabut, I am still in pain from the surgery.

I am grateful I am in the best shape of my life to handle the recovery from surgery – Yabut, {I got nothing}

I am grateful I have so many people in my life who love me and support me and who are praying for me – Yab…

I am grateful for this program of recovery that teaches me how to live – YA!

I am grateful!

Because I am Wren, here is a “cousin” doing a happy dance – enjoy!

Anger is Cancer

Thank you all for allowing me to speak my truth yesterday. I have a couple of things I want to just touch on about what I said: First, before I wrote yesterday I was confused. I knew I was angry, but I still think that is one of those “unallowable” emotions. Let’s be real, I thought ALL emotions were the character defects that were to be removed in Steps 6 & 7, but anger was the biggy. But now I know that it is not the emotion, it is what I do with it that is so important. Anyway, by writing it out yesterday I was able to let the anger go and see where I need to do more work. Easy? No. Simple? Yes.

The other thing I got to analogizing yesterday was Anger and cancer. Like a disease, anger used to get in my body and take over. It begins to multiply and divide with no regard to the host – me. It takes over my mind until all I can think about is “what the other person /god did to me.” It can eat at my organs, my bones, my digestive tract, my nervous system. We know anger turned inward is depression. I certainly know this. I ate at my anger to over 400 pounds!

Why am I so afraid to let God know I am angry with him? My minister says God likes to hear us ask for help. I like to believe God likes a good discussion. Yes, I said discussion, give AND take. Talk AND listen. Remember, in the 12-Steps, we are able to choose a Higher Power of our own understanding. If the one I describe does not work, create your own. If the God you knew from childhood does not work, write yourself a want-ad for a new one. Wanted: a Higher Power to love human being unconditionally with no judgment, rules, criticism or small print. Must have wonderful sense of humor, no sarcasm please (but able to take it.) Large arms for hugging. Able to change species, gender, age, and size at discretion of human. Long white beard and throne optional. Patience a must!

For me, Step 2 is all about my relationship with God. It is constantly growing and changing.  After all, the OA program is all about relationships, so it makes sense. So yes, I let him know when I am angry, when I feel alone and abandoned by him. These conversations don’t have to make sense. No one else is going to hear them. God knows what I mean. And a really cool side benefit is, as I have learned to trust God not to hurl lightning bolts – or leave. I can trust that it is okay for me to get angry with <gasp> human beings and they have not left me either. In fact, some have come back.

Since yesterday, the emotional pain has lessened tremendously. The physical pain quite a bit: partly because of natural bodily movements; partly because of the emotional pain lessening; and partly because, as much as I can, I am breathing deeply into my relationship with God.